Today is Christmas Day. It’s a special Christmas for me because it is the twenty-fifth Christmas I have spent with my husband. That’s a quarter century of Christmases. So much has happened of that time, but there’s one thing and only one thing that remains the same for me: my faith in God.
This year has been very difficult so much has changed, and I really didn’t expect all the changes that occurred. I don’t know what will come in the future, but I do know that God is with me all the time. Then, something strange happened just a few days before Christmas, I found out that I probably am autistic and that explains so much in my life, but it also takes everything and shakes it up, upending it, and making me look at everything in a new way all over again. I’ve had that happen to me so many times in my life and every time, it hurts, and it feels like such a struggle, but every time, I know that I am better for it. So, I am coming to see it as a blessing.
Plato wrote about his Allegory of the Cave. In that allegory, there are only a few levels until the man comes to see reality. He goes from seeing the shadows on the wall, to seeing the forms that create the shadows, and then he escapes the cave altogether. I think that is helpful, but I am beginning to understand that life isn’t that simple. It isn’t just three levels and then, I will be able to see reality. I won’t ever see it. I might escape some of the trappings of the limitations of my mind and experience to be able to understand some of the reality of my life, but I won’t ever truly understand it all, just like I won’t ever truly know what God’s plan is for me. I know God gives me signs and little glimpses to let me know I am on the correct path, but I won’t know what the plan is. And I guess I will experience these moments of epiphany as well, but I won’t ever truly know the reality of my life. Instead of getting upset when I find these moments of understanding, I am beginning to understand that they truly are blessings just like the signs letting me know I am on the correct path.
I haven’t felt truly sorry for anything in quite some time, but tonight I do. I have a huge confession to make, and I hope that God will forgive me. God has been giving me these amazing blessings helping me to better understand my life and instead of accepting them as blessing and being thankful, I have been acting like a child and fighting against them because they didn’t meet my expectations of what my life should be like. I have been prideful and sinful. I can’t change the past, but I am truly sorry for not recognizing God’s blessings and I hope to try in the future to be more accepting of His blessings even when they are difficult for me.
In my journey, I have found that sometimes God asks me to do things that I struggle with, but if I just try, my heart changes, I am filled with love, patience, and understanding. Then, I find the struggle much easier and I come to understand His message and I am thankful.
I don’t know if Jesus was born on December 25h or not. It doesn’t matter. I just know that I am a servant of God and I have total faith in Him. I believe in His love and His sacrifice for me. I am filled with gratitude for all the blessings He has given me. And when I struggle, I know His will always be by my side.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
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