When I was in my twenties, I saw a therapist. He asked me to make a posterboard. On one side he wanted me to write everything that my family had told me about who I was and on the other side he wanted me to write what was really true about myself. It was a really difficult exercise, but the activity helped me to stop seeing myself based on what they told me and start seeing myself as a person.
After thirty years, I am finally starting to feel strong as a person and accept myself as I am. Last night I went to a writer’s club meeting. I talked to other people, I shared my progress with National Novel Writing Month, and I introduced myself to strangers. As I think about my behavior, I feel like I don’t act like a shy person. Yet all my life, everyone has told me that I was shy. I even tell people that I am shy. I can’t help wondering if that’s really the truth.
I’m not the type of person who wants to be the center of attention. I like to watch and observe people because human behavior fascinates me. The way people act makes sense to everyone else, but it doesn’t make sense to me. The perfect example is dancing. I understand dancing, but moving to music seems so natural to everyone else, but for me there’s just something about it that I don’t get. I love to watch people dance because there’s something about it that seems so natural, but it is beyond what is natural for me.
Anyway, between liking to observe, horrible family dynamics, and early childhood abuse, I just didn’t want to talk a lot or call attention to myself when I was a kid. However, anytime I had to be brave and stand up and do something even if it meant I might be embarrassed, I worked up the courage and did it. I even remember in college when all the girls were afraid to go talk to a guy, I didn’t have a problem with it. I thought I would probably have an embarrassing situation, but I just went up and started to talk even though I was scared.
I guess there’s a big difference between being shy and what I am. I suffer from anxiety and trauma. I have had some difficulties to struggle with in my life. Yet, I think I knew something all along: I don’t need to be afraid. God’s always with me and He isn’t going to abandon me. That doesn’t mean that sorrow, evil, and pain won’t find their way into my life. It doesn’t mean that I won’t suffer from anxiety. I have that all the time. I think it means that whatever I experience in life, God’s there with me and I will get through it.
Back when I was in my twenties, I didn’t know that. I had many experiences when I just felt like everything was overwhelming and I wasn’t okay. These days it’s different. Earlier this week. I went to see a doctor. I ended up waiting over an hour. I had a PTSD response and a horrible anxiety attack. My body responded with panic symptoms. My hands shook. My heart raced. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt like a caged animal. I started to cry, and I couldn’t stop. During all this turmoil, inside my head, I thought, “Let this happen. Experience it. Know that whatever happens you will be okay because God is with you.” And I was right. The doctor eventually came, my meds helped, and I got through it. Even when my life feels out of control, when my body is in panic mode, He will guide me out of the darkness, and I have nothing to fear. It’s okay to experience pain and anxiety. God won’t be disappointed in me for that. He’ll still stay with me and help me through it all. If only I had learned that lesson, when I was younger.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
