I just visited my 83-year-old mother. She asked that I pray for her. She wanted me to pray that God answer her prayer that she could die because she was so tired and in so much pain. The problem is that I pray for her all the time, but more importantly, she has been telling me that she wants to die because she is so tired and in so much pain for over forty years now. I don’t think God isn’t answering her prayers, I just think that God isn’t giving her the answer that she wants.
There was a time in my life that I felt that the pain I was in had overwhelmed me and that I just couldn’t take it anymore. I prayed to God to please end my life and take away all the pain, but at the end of that prayer, I always added that I wanted God’s will to be done and not my own. Even at the lowest time in my life, I still had faith in God’s plan for me.
As my mother has gotten older, our relationship has gotten worse, but I have found a way to love her, forgive her, and I am trying my best to be there for her as best I can. When I pray, I pray that God have mercy on her. I know that she is in pain, although I don’t know how much. I know that she is in a difficult situation, and I can’t imagine being in that situation myself. I ask God whenever I consider her that He have mercy on her.
I find it so ironic because only a few years ago, I thought I would never feel truly free of my mother until she passed away. Then, I realized that she didn’t need to die for me to just let go of all the psychological chains that were tying me down. I let go of all the ties that bound me to her and my family in unhealthy ways and I felt so liberated. I felt so guilty realizing that I was so codependent with her that I thought the only way I could be a full person was for her to die and I am so proud of myself for being able to understand how to be a full person without her even while she is alive. And yet, now I just want God to have mercy on her and to let her go so that her pain could end. I wish that somehow, I could understand His plan for her, but I just don’t. Today, all I can do is start this new year, praying once again for God’s will to be done. I know from the past that I don’t know what the best option is, but I do know that having faith in His plan has always guided me in the right direction. I pray that in this new year that God’s will be done. I pray that God have mercy on us all and we know that He is always by our side no matter what pain, sorrow, joy, or happiness we will experience in the coming year.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
