I woke up at five this morning with a migraine headache. The pain just felt like I couldn’t stand it, but I felt tired so I tried to go back to sleep. I closed my eyes and thought I fell back asleep, but when the pain opened my eyes back up again, I looked at the clock and saw that only about fifteen minutes had passed. I felt like I was trapped in some horrible nightmare. I forced myself to get up. I didn’t want to wake up my husband, so I took my overnight bag into the bathroom of our rented room, and I shut the door. I thought I could take my rescue meds. However, I forgot to put on my glasses. Unfortunately, I am literally legally blind without my glasses.
My morning started with me sitting on the bathroom floor, at around six in the morning, going through my overnight bag, looking for the correct medications. The whole scene was ludicrous because every time I found a pill bottle, I had to hold it up within one inch of my eyes to be able to read what med was in the bottle. After I found the meds and took the right ones, I turned off the lights, opened the door and walked back into the bedroom. Now, I couldn’t see anything at all. It was dark and my eyes hadn’t adjusted. I stumbled back into bed and tried to fall back asleep. The pain kept pounding in my head and I never did find any restful sleep. I finally gave up at half past seven.
We got up, packed and checked out of our hotel. Then, we went to breakfast with our niece and got on the road. I wouldn’t find a somewhat restful sleep until almost eleven o’clock and even then, my head kept drifting off to the side since I was sitting up in a car and forgot my neck pillow.
I have gone all day feeling this overwhelming feeling of “I can’t. I’m too tired. The pain is too much.” Yet, I got through the day somehow. I didn’t get through it easily. There was a point when I got mud on my shoes, and I felt like I was going to break down crying. In fact, I feel like I am about one good song away from breaking down and crying right now. But even if I did cry and even though I did complain about the pain, it’s okay. I stayed strong. I did what I needed to and I am here now.
I am grateful for the day I had and my loved ones who shared it with me. The most important part is that I didn’t ever believe those thoughts that said “I can’t I’m too tired. The pain is too much.” At least, I had an answer for those thoughts. My answer was “God can. God will carry me if I am too tired. God will guide me if the pain feels like it is too much.”
When I was in therapy, the therapist used to talk about expressing feelings using the word “I” because that way I would own my own feelings and actions. After all they were the only things I could control. I shouldn’t say anyone ever made me feel anything because they didn’t. I chose how to feel based on their actions.
I think that when I feel lost, out of control, tired, or in pain. I need to change my thinking and stop using “I” words in my sentences. Instead of focusing of what I feel or think, I believe I should start focusing on what God can do.
After all, I am just His servant.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
