There’s a commercial on TV for Heinz ketchup that says “Adulting sucks”. The whole idea is having take on all the responsibilities of being an adult isn’t fun and Heinz ketchup reminds us of the day back when we were children when life was carefree and happy. I know it is just a commercial, but I have heard the sentiment about this idea of adulting in media recently.
Whenever my husband talks about it, I think he sounds like a grumpy old man. For me, I think it’s a weird concept that I can’t really relate to because my experience was so different. My childhood wasn’t carefree and happy. I felt like I was a prisoner in my own house. I didn’t have any freedom. I was on constant high alert, watching what I said and what I did trying to make sure that I didn’t set off my parent’s wrath which was totally unpredictable. When I finally moved out of the house, I felt a sense of freedom that was so amazing and wonderful that I didn’t mind the responsibility that came with it. I didn’t care that I had to pay bills, clean house, or make my own decisions. I was happy that I actually had the freedom to do those things. I was happy that I could make my own decision about my finances without my parents’ intervention. I could decide when and how I was going clean my own place. I finally could live my own life on my own terms without someone else telling me how to do it and making all the decisions for me.
I talked to my husband about this concept, and he brought up buying a car. After we got married, we decided to buy our first car together. For him, it wasn’t a big deal. However, for me, I was so excited and happy because I was actually going to get to choose the car I was going to buy. I was in my late twenties and had been driving for over ten years, but my parents always picked out the cars that I was going to drive. They didn’t even let me have a choice, even if though the car loan was in my name and I was paying for it with my own money, I didn’t have anything to do with the choice in the car. I just had to accept the car they chose for me. When I finally had the freedom to choose my own car, I had this amazing sense of freedom of being my own person. I didn’t mind taking on the responsibility of the car loan or any of the other parts of “adulting” that came along with it because having that freedom meant so much to me.
Even now twenty-three years later, when I watch the news and I hear about people complaining that their “freedom” is being taken away from them, I sometimes wonder how they would handle it if they truly understood what it meant to live without freedom. I thank God all the time for my sense of self, for the freedoms that I do have, and for the responsibilities that come with it. For several years after I got married, I had nightmares that my husband had left me and I had to go back to that world living with my parents and being a prisoner all over again. It took years before those nightmares went away.
Last night, I had a dream of dancing with my family. I have always thought of dancing as the ultimate in freedom where the person just lets go of all the inhibitions and lets the body moves with the music. Maybe I finally feel like even if I am around them, I would still be free. Maybe that’s because I have forgiven them for the past. I understand they did the best they could. I understand that there’s more to their lives than the part that I got to see. There’s more to my life than the part they influenced.
It is strange that in so many ways this week, I am finding that those things that hurt so much could actually help me. Being able to feel the life energy of other people can feel overwhelming, but it can also help me feel like I am a part of something bigger than myself. Feeling like a prisoner for so many years has left me with severe PTSD, but it has also left me with a profound sense of gratitude for my own sense of self and my own freedom. Maybe all the eastern philosophies could be right, nothing is good or bad in and of itself. Human beings assign those labels. Maybe things just are and it all depends on what we do with them.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
