I made a strange confession to my husband last night. I know that my belief shapes my reality and yet, when I think of really wonderful things happening in my life. The idea that they could actually become a reality scares me. Even when I start to see it happening my first reaction is to feel nervous and anxious.
I have tried to figure it out and I think it must be a combination of OCD and PTSD. For the OCD side of things, my problem is just the simple idea of change being scary and whenever things change it makes me anxious. For the PTSD side of things, it is much more complicated. For such a long time, I was essentially brain-washed. I was told on the surface that everything was nice and normal, but the underlying message was that I wasn’t ever going to be good enough and that I wasn’t capable of being able to do anything of worth on my own. Every time I dared to dream, there was always a part of me feeling like I was being pulled back because my mother and the rest of my family had sent me the message that although I was capable of somethings, I just wasn’t good enough and I wasn’t capable. When I look back on the years before I got married, I am amazed that I was able to accomplish anything because it always felt like I had a voice inside my head telling me that I just wasn’t good enough. I still have that feeling to this day where it is scary to dream too big. It was really difficult to admit that to my husband and say it out loud, especially because I know it isn’t true.
My faith tells me that if I believe I can move mountains. I hope that one day my faith in myself will be as strong as God’s belief in me and I will be able to accomplish amazing things.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
