It would be great if I could tell millions of people about my experiences and change lives, but I’m not sure if that’s really what I’m here to do. Today, I talked to someone in pain. I knew how she was feeling because I had similar experiences. Although I knew that I couldn’t do anything to make her feel better, I knew that I could tell her that I understood how she was feeling.
When anyone gets lost in darkness, there could be lots of reasons. Sometimes it could be because of pain or mental illness. It could be due to addiction, sorrow, or loss. It could be due to greed, pride, or any of the deadly sins. It could even be from just taking a wrong turn in life and getting lost. It really doesn’t matter how someone gets lost in darkness. Being there shouldn’t be cause to start a blame game or to feel guilty. Everyone at some time in their life will find themselves in darkness. It is just part of life.
When in that dark state, I know it feels like you are all alone. It feels like no one else has ever felt the way you feel, and it feels like you are going to feel that way forever. The worst part is the way you feel is intolerable. You feel like you can survive feeling that way. You feel like you aren’t strong enough.
My experience has taught me that even when I feel like I am alone, I’m not. God is always going to be with me. Even when I feel like I’m alone, I just have to have faith that He is with me because He really is. I’ve also learned that although my experiences are unique there are many people who have felt the way I do and I’m not alone in my pain. The world is constantly changing and even though it feels like I’m going to feel horrible forever, nothing will last forever even being in the state of darkness. Finally, I’ve found that I’m not strong enough to survive anything. I wish I was, but I’m not. I do know that when I put my life in God’s hands, He will lift me up and He will be strong enough for me. When I think I can’t, I just turn to Him, and He will guide me through the darkness into the light.
Lately, I have been writing about dealing with anxiety and embracing it. Letting it happen and just experiencing it. I guess I forgot something important about all of it. Dealing with my anxiety and OCD isn’t a simple and easy trick of pop psychology. It takes a lot of work and courage. I take a leap of faith every day putting my life in God’s hands.
Here’s the thing: When I read about the psychedelic drugs they talked about a vision where they lost a sense of self and became one with everything. Well, when I try to deal with my anxiety and OCD, I try to surrender my sense of self and give it over to God. I guess it may not be as profound as a psychedelic drug trip, but I’m giving up everything about me and giving it over to a higher power. When I do that, whatever fear or anxiety I have, I have to give it up and release that too. It’s harder to do it without drugs, but I think it’s possible. I want to believe that it’s possible.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
