I was supposed to meet my boss at the office today and he showed up late. I was extremely upset about it more than I should have been. After the meeting I was driving home, and I decided to break down the whole situation and figure out what bothered me so much.
I think my problem boils down to having to wait without a given period of time. I couldn’t reach him by phone or text, so I didn’t know if he when he was coming or if he was going to come at all. I felt like I was going to be there indefinitely. I have the same problem when I go to see a doctor. I show up at the right time for my appointment, but then I have to wait for the doctor to come see me. I feel like I will be waiting indefinitely.
I start to freak out and want to leave. I get really upset more than I should be. It’s a PTSD reaction. I have been in a prison like situation so many times in my life. Whenever I feel like I am back in a place where I have to stay some place for any period of time where I don’t have control, I go back to that feeling. I freak out and get upset. I want to leave. I have had panic attacks and run out of places just from reliving the trauma of feeling imprisoned emotionally.
I wish that being aware of it was all that it would take to fix the problem, but it isn’t that easy. It’s only one step. The good thing is at least I am aware and can take that step. The best part is knowing that God can be with me as I take those steps and eventually, I will be able to overcome the trauma.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
