Last night my husband and I went to go see a Christmas light display. The experience was fun and enjoyable. However, parking was limited so to get there we had to park at an offsite area and take a shuttle. I was feeling okay until we got on the shuttle. It was a large tour bus filled with lots of people and several children. All these people were happy and excited about the event.
Their energy level was high. For me that wasn’t a good thing. I was in an enclosed space with about forty people with high excited energy. I felt trapped and bombarded with energy. It really didn’t matter to me that everyone was feeling good. I just felt waves of it coming at me. It felt overwhelming. I closed my eyes and started to pray. I asked God to help me get through this shuttle ride. I tried to look out the window and think about how the ride wouldn’t last a long time.
Then, I had a moment of clarity. First, I realize that this experience was part of life. I shouldn’t be trying to run away from it or hope that it would be over soon. I should be practicing what I preach and embracing the uncomfortable feeling. To fully know what it is and why I need to just let it be and experience it. Then, once I did that, I realized the second more important part. There wasn’t anything to feel anxious about. My hands were shaking. I felt trapped. My heartbeat was elevated. I thought the noise was loud. However, nothing in that was truly terrifying. If it was, then there would be other people on that bus who were scared, too, but everyone else was enjoying themselves. My body was reacting to this stimulus with anxiety because my nervous system is messed up. If I face that fact and trust it, then maybe I can let it go and enjoy the rest of the ride.
That’s exactly what I did. I let it go. I went to the event, and I even had a broken seat on the shuttle back to our car. I enjoyed myself because once I accepted my nervous system was going haywire, then I stopped trying to fight it. I stopped being uncomfortable because of it. I didn’t feel like I needed to make it better or change it. I just let it be and went on with my life.
I think too often, that’s the problem with anxiety cures. They are about distraction or numbing the people from the anxiety. They treat the anxiety as if it is a bad thing. The anxiety isn’t a bad or good thing. It just is. If I just accept it and let it go, then I can move forward instead of trying to constantly run away from something that I find uncomfortable.
I recently saw a documentary on psychedelic drugs and how they can help “cure” some mental disorders. Some participants talked about going on a journey where their concept of self was dismantled, and they felt at one with everything. I think it is more like the concept of the physical body is dismantled and they get to experience what it feels like to have their spirit freed. When I talk about accepting my anxiety or my OCD, I guess I am talking about the same concept. It is about having faith in the spirit enough to just let go of the physical and accept it as it is. Not good or bad. Not trying to run away or fight it and just letting it be. Yes, physical sensations can be quite wonderful and horrible, but God will never let it get to be too much. And more so, I have faith that God is within my heart and will protect me from whatever comes. There’s no reason to be afraid. It is a beautiful amazing world and I am thankful for the experience.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
