I finished National Novel Writing Month today and reached my goal. It should be a good thing, but it is amazing how OCD can ruin things. When I started to write today, I had already had a bad day and my OCD was spiking. I was very close to meeting my goal and I got a tunnel vision going. I couldn’t think about anything except reaching that goal. I didn’t want to stop to eat, answer the phone, or do anything else. When I finished writing for today, instead of feeling like I had accomplished something, I just felt a sense of relief that I could finally stop.
OCD changes the way I see the world sometimes. I think back to my childhood and how my mother always had me feeling on edge and like everything was a life-or-death situation. OCD doesn’t make everything so black and white, but it does make me feel on edge a lot. When I get tunnel vision, I can’t really see anything except what I am focused on. I don’t like that.
There’s something amazing about God in that He can see all the detail and yet His plan encompasses the big picture. I think that is something that I’d like to strive for as well. I just know that when my OCD gets really bad or even when my anxiety gets bad, I focus on one thing and I can’t see God’s vision for me. It takes a lot to get back to where I need to be, I have to take that leap of faith: let go and give everything to God.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
