I went to see my doctor today. On the way back to my car, I saw a man walking to the parking lot in the same direction at the same time as I was. I only saw him out of the corner of my eye. I couldn’t tell what race, age, or ethnicity he was. I just knew I didn’t want him getting to my car at the same time that I was trying to get into my car. I also didn’t want to be in parking lot trying to get into my car knowing that there was a man behind me. I started to slow my pace. The slower I walked, he moved ahead of me, and I could see where he was going.
It turns out that he was a young Caucasian male. He walked right past my car on the driver’s side. However, because I slowed my paced, I was able to get into my car without having to worry about anyone being near my car when I got in. I probably am paranoid. I know that I have paranoid thoughts all the time. I probably didn’t have anything to worry about that man. There might be a day when having these weird crazy thoughts could protect me from danger; I don’t know. Yet, I can’t help realizing that when I saw another human being, my first thought wasn’t seeing the light of God within him. My first thought was that he was a male and had the potential to be dangerous. My mind immediately went into survival mode. I started to try to figure out what I need to do to protect myself. I doubt most other people think this way. I know there’s lots of other ways that people think.
For me, it wasn’t so much about my learned behavior to be afraid of men, but about knowing that’s there’s a possibility to see God’s light in everyone. I don’t have to stand vulnerable to the world and say “Come do your worst, hurt me and take advantage of me.” At the same time, I can be careful and open my heart to see the humanity in others. I’m starting to realize that despite my paranoia not everyone is out to get me.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
