I once read a book talking about fear. The book said that sometimes fear could be a good thing. Fear can give us clues to know when something is wrong and to act on it.
I realized today that I am extremely paranoid. I went into the kitchen and saw that my husband had washed only some dishes, but not others. My first thought was he washed dishes that he needed, but he left the ones that he knew I needed. That wasn’t the case, but that’s the direction my paranoid mind went.
I am fully aware that I have PTSD, OCD, and paranoia. I know that I feel that way from living in fear and with abuse for so long. I realized today that it’s not great to have that alert system always up; that’s why I have migraines and chronic pain. However, having this almost constant paranoia does help me to keep from being naïve and too trusting. I realized that since I am not the greatest at reading people having a little paranoia sometimes might have helped in ways that I don’t even know.
Sometimes I wonder how being in the family I was in could have possibly been in God’s plan. Other times, I just want to sit back and relax. Let God’s love flow over me and realize that somehow there’s a big picture that I can’t see. When events happen in my life that I struggle to accept, I often find myself remembering that it is His plan, and I just don’t see that big picture. I am too close to it right now. I just need to put it in His hands and trust.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
