I think sometimes I search for answers when they are right in front of me, and I just don’t want to see it. The last few days everything seems to be going wrong. Every little thing my husband does grates on my nerves. I keep trying to have faith that it is going to get better, but nothing is changing. I feel like I am fighting something invisible and losing the battle. I know that fighting never really works and that if I just relaxed and went with the flow of life, it would be easier. I just haven’t been able to figure out how I am supposed to let go.
Then, I tried to talk to my husband last night. I am starting a writing project. It deals with some really sensitive issues for me. I am writing about my relationship with my mother except in a fictional story. I know that this project will be good for me because I’ll be able to get some things off my mind and heart that I won’t ever be able to get through by talking to my mom. Yet at the same time, working through these emotions isn’t going to be easy. Along with that we are taking a trip up to the Choctaw tribe for a special event. I know it means a lot for my husband, so I really want to go for that reason. Yet, it also means four days of my routine being disrupted. That messes up my OCD really bad. Finally while we are gone, my sister-in-law is going to stay at our house. I know I can trust her, but it really bothers me. The worst part is my husband just doesn’t understand.
When I was living with my parents, there was no such thing as a closed door. My mother would come into my room whenever she wanted to. There were times that I thought she might leave me alone, but I never felt like I had a safe space for myself. Even when I lived in a dorm, I still had to share that space with a roommate. Now that I am married and have my own house, I finally have a space that is my own. I feel safe in that space knowing it belongs to me. I’ve never felt safe in a space before like I do. It stresses me out to leave my own space and go on a trip. It stresses me out to have people come into my space and it especially stresses me out to have people enter my space when I am not there. It might seem stupid and silly, but having never had it before, it is important for me.
Anyway, facing all those things all at the same time causes me a lot of stress. The problem I am facing is these are all things I really can control. It goes back to the Serenity Prayer. I have to recognize the stressors that are out of my control and give them up to God. I don’t know if it will make a difference, but I am always willing to give God a try.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
