Yesterday I wrote about having faith when things were going my way. I was certain that if I just waited for a few hours that everything would feel better. Of course, God’s laughing at me. While nothing is wrong. That feeling of OCD “wrongness” isn’t leaving me. I just don’t like it. I feel agitated and because of that feeling tiny little things that wouldn’t bother me at all are driving me crazy right now. I feel like a bundle of exposed nerves and every few minutes a breeze come by and sets every single one of them off.
I truly love my husband with all my heart, but it feels like everything he has done in the last twenty-four hours just pisses me off. I know that he normally doesn’t do that to me so I have to believe that it must be my mood.
I say God’s laughing at me because I am fighting something in life struggling against it with all my might and I just don’t know what it is. That’s why I feel the way I do. It’s like being in a body of water treading that water to just stay afloat when I should just relax and float. However, the added complication is that I don’t realize that I am in the water at all and that I am fighting it.
The one thing that is certain for me is that sooner or later, I am going to figure out what I am fighting against and I will realize what I can control and what I can’t. The whole situation makes me think about baptism. When someone is treading water and they can’t fight anymore they sink under the water. If they just relax, then maybe they can float back up to the surface. It is just like baptism, I got dunked under water, but then I rose above out of the water. In each case, coming back to the air and being able to breathe because I willingly gave my life and put it in God’s hands. I just need to figure out how to put whatever it is I am holding on to into His hands. I pray I find it soon.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
