I got really angry at work today. I was able to handle the situation, but it triggered something from my past: gaslighting. I guess the best instance that I can think of is something that happened to me all the time when I was a kid. I would get into trouble like every kid does. When I had some time to think about it, I would realize that whether or not I was right or wrong, getting upset wasn’t the best way to handle it. So, then, I would go find my parents and apologize to them for getting upset. The only problem is that my parents were immature people who couldn’t understand that I was apologizing to them. The idea that I could recognize my own fault on my own and come to apologize was so foreign to them that they just didn’t believe me. They thought that I was trying to defend my actions and so they would get angry at me all over again.
That situation hurt so bad. The pain didn’t come just from my parents yelling at me a second time. The pain came from my parents not believing that I was apologizing and knowing that no matter what I said or did there was no way I could get them to believe me. My entire childhood was steeped in situations where I knew what the reality of the situation was, but I had to force myself to live with the lies that my family imposed on me. For example, I knew my father was an alcoholic, but I would get into trouble if I ever said that out loud.
Today, I knew the reality of a situation at work, but I was having a difficult time getting my boss to understand it. For a moment, I just wanted to run away because I don’t want to live with lies anymore.
I have written many times that I am a very good liar. I grew up around it. I know how to do it well. I could do it all the time if I want to, but I don’t want to lie. It hurt me all the time to live in lies when I was younger, and I just don’t want to do it anymore.
Having faith in God is the ultimate in living in truth. When I choose to follow God, I can’t lie to God or myself about who I am. Maybe all those years with my family taught me why being true to myself is so important. Yes, it is important to follow the commandments and to be a good person. It is important to hold God above all others and to love my brothers and sisters in Christ. I hope to be thankful for my life and to experience life as much as I can as well. However, if there ever was something that I believe is more important than anything else I believe that I need to be true to my own nature because when I am, that’s when everything falls into place and I am closer to the person God intended me to be and when I am not, that’s when everything falls apart and I sin losing my way.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
