Today, I went to go do early voting. The politics part isn’t important. The anxiety part is. I hate going to vote because it scares me. It means having to be in a line with other people and face all the OCD thoughts that go with voting. The worst ones are that I don’t belong there and that any minute someone is going to come up and tell me that I shouldn’t be there and force me to leave. The standing in line gives me the OCD thought that I am going to be in line forever and that I can’t leave the line. I feel like a trapped prisoner of the line, and I start to feel like I can’t breathe with everything around me closing in on me even if I am standing outside.
I hate going to vote, but I go because it is my civic duty and because I don’t want anxiety to keep me from doing things. I almost didn’t go today. I wanted to talk myself out of it. I kept thinking of all the bad things about it and asking myself if it was really worth it to put myself through it again.
Here’s the thing: I was worried about something that hadn’t even happened. In my metaphor of riding down a river. I was anticipating rough waters and wanting to go down a different path without even seeing if there really were rough waters ahead. I also wasn’t even giving myself the chance to see if I could handle it if there were rough waters ahead. I wasn’t giving faith a chance. Turns out that at my voting location, there weren’t any long lines and the whole process was fairly easy. I still had some OCD thoughts, but they were minimal. I might have succeeded in getting out there to vote today, but I failed miserably at having faith.
God’s my captain and He leading me down this river. I have to give Him a chance to take me to places that may be scary. I have to believe that if there are rough water ahead, He will give me the strength and faith to handle it. I didn’t even think about it today and I should have.
Today, I ask God for forgiveness because although I showed bravery and courage, I didn’t put my life in His hands like I promised I would. I know I am not perfect, and I know I will try to be better to chose faith and give my anxiety up to God.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
