I wanted to change something with my eating plan because I wasn’t making any progress. I made the change last Sunday. It was difficult because I don’t like making changes with my OCD. The worst part is this week, I gained weight instead of losing or maintaining it. Every negative part of me wants to believe that the change I made was wrong and that I need to go back to what I was doing before. However, I am not going to do that because I have faith.
Every time in my life that I have ever made a decision of any consequence, I have always had this little voice in my head telling me that I should have gone the other direction. That my way was the wrong way. That I have just made the one decision that will completely change the course of my life and lead it to ruin. I feel this way because I decided to eat an apple instead of a pear. It’s my OCD. I’m sure my choices matter, and I know that I am making lots of them (millions of them) every single day. It’s just that I believe that there’s forgiveness and redemption out there, too.
Here’s a thought experiment. Tomorrow, I could be walking in my neighborhood with my dogs, and I think I see an insect on the sidewalk. Without thinking, I jump into the street with fright. When I do, I jump right in front of a speeding car, and it hits me so hard that I don’t survive. In one second, my life is over. I don’t think my life should be judged on that one second when I jumped out of fright from that insect. My life is so much more than that one moment. Sure, I made a mistake, but I have faith that God will forgive me for doing something stupid. My life isn’t about just my mistakes. It isn’t about when I did something right. My life is about all my experiences. Everything I do leads to the next experience and the only person who wants to judge if they were or weren’t mistakes is me. God doesn’t make mistakes; God create life for me to experience.
So, going back to my changing my eating plan. My OCD tells me with everything inside of me that I am making a mistake. I choose to believe I am just learning about my body and about life. I am not judging my experience saying it is a mistake or it is going to be the most amazing life ever. I am. That’s it.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
