This evening when my husband came home, I suddenly found myself plunged in anger. I didn’t know why I felt so angry. Just a few minutes before I was fine. Instead of trying to reason myself of out the emotion or figure out why I was feeling it, I just like myself feel it and experience it. The more I felt this feeling the more I knew it wasn’t anger; it was that feeling I get when the barometric pressure changes. I was feeling like my head is slowly being crushed in a vice.
It’s strange how anger and my head being crushed in a vice are similar feelings. I guess anger is a just this strong reactionary feeling and often when I feel it, I feel out of control like I am losing my temper. There might be a time for anger and wrath, but I am starting to think that those times are few and far between because patience and love make me feel so much better. It’s sort of like how I approach eating. I can pig out on junk food if I really want to, but I know that if I do, it’s going to make me feel bad physically, mentally, and emotionally. Therefore, I don’t do it very often. Anger is the same thing. It is like emotional junk food. If I give into anger, I will feel bad physically, mentally, and emotionally afterward. It’s okay if I do it, my emotions are never wrong, but at the same time, if there’s a different path, I might consider taking the easy way.
Sometimes, feeling anger without acting on it makes all the difference. Just like tonight, I thought I was angry, I let myself feel it and I figured out how I really felt. Being open to the experience of my emotions is an important lesson. When I was younger, I was taught to fear my feelings, avoid them, and repress them. Now that I am older, I am taking leaps of faith. I am trusting in God that if I let myself experience my emotions and my feelings that I will be able to handle it. If I experience life, He will be with me. So, when I feel sad, I let myself cry. When I am angry, I let myself feel upset. When I am happy, I smile. It’s difficult because I still have all the OCD thoughts telling me that horrible things will befall me if I let myself experience life and experience my emotions. Yet, I keep leaping into the arms of God.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
