Today, I have a problem. There’s something I don’t understand. My brother and I need to talk about my mom and her living conditions. For me, there’s not much to talk about. When she fell and hurt herself, the doctor sent therapist to help her, but she didn’t put in the work to get any better, now she can’t walk. She can barely take care of herself. She still isn’t willing to do the work. She won’t take responsibility for her life and never has. My brother and my mother won’t face the reality of that situation.
When I face the idea of dealing with them, I feel myself getting angry. I know I shouldn’t react with anger and fear because never makes anything better and yet that’s how I feel. I also find myself getting sick and having headaches. I feel myself getting more anxiety. The whole thing throws everything in my life out of balance.
Here’s my problem: I keep thinking a good daughter would take care of her mother. If she goes into a nursing home, a good daughter would visit frequently checking up on her and making sure the nurses are taking care of her. I’m not her idea of a good daughter. I choose to save myself first. If she goes into a nursing home and even now, I can’t take care of her. The stress is already causing my nervous system to go haywire. I am already getting sick every time I have to deal with them. If I end up in the hospital because my body can’t take the stress, then I won’t be able to take care of her anyway. The truth is she doesn’t want me. Last night she called and said that I wasn’t talking. I said it was because I didn’t have anything to say. When I was younger, I would live in fear and be so careful, trying my best to navigate my family’s personalities and say the “right” things so that I won’t make them upset with me. I don’t care anymore. I don’t even want to try to talk to them. It doesn’t matter what I say, so why should I say anything at all?
I guess that’s why I’m so upset about my brother. I don’t understand, why he wants to waste my time. I don’t care what happens to her. I don’t care what decision he makes. Even if I did, he isn’t going to listen to my opinion about it anyway. So, why do we need to participate in this stupid fake theatric where we “talk” about it?
I don’t want to pretend with him that I have any control in this situation. I am powerless to make that horrible abuser do anything. I am powerless to make him do anything. The only thing I have power over right now is my own behavior and all I want right now is to protect myself from the two of them. So, tonight God please guide me through this minefield of anger, fear, and abuse and help me to find your light somewhere in this horrible situation.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
