Lately, I keep thinking about this concept of myself. I keep thinking about who I was when I was a little girl going to elementary school or who I was when I was going to college. I try to remember the young woman I used to be before I got married. The strange part is that even though my memory doesn’t have any real gaps, it feels like all those people are different. There are some amazing special things about each of them and yet at the same time, each of them had some glaring flaws. I was brain washed and had no idea. I was living my greatest fear and probably still am: being totally and utterly clueless and having no idea that I am.
I keep thinking there’s just no way that God could possibly see me at just one moment in time and judge me for that. He just wouldn’t do that. One moment can’t possibly be a lifetime. Then, I think about seeing me at every time in my life and it just seems so overwhelming, but that must be what He does. I know I can’t fathom it, but when I think about my marriage, I can get close.
The day I married my husband, I knew I loved him with all of my heart and more than I would ever love anyone else ever. Over twenty year later that part hasn’t changed, but I feel like I love him more. I love him more because I love the man he was when we got married, I love the man he was when we had been married ten years, I love the man he was when we had been married twenty years, and I love the man he is today. I also know that I will love the man he will be in the future. I see him.
I think maybe God sees us that way only on a much deeper level. I also am coming to believe that when God says to love your enemies and those that hurt you, it isn’t about going against human nature and forcing it. Maybe it is about really finding true forgiveness and love in your heart and really being able to love.
The person that I feel hurt and damaged me the most is my mom. I can’t understand why and she isn’t ever going to tell me or even talk about it. She will never apologize. I can remember her for all the times that she hurt me, and it wouldn’t be wrong. Those are my memories. Yet, she was a little girl, just like I was at one time. She was a young woman full of hope for her life and a young daughter wanting her mother’s approval. I can’t understand her, but I don’t have to remember her as a villain either. I pray that God have mercy on her.
I pray that God help us all to see the humanity in each other and guide us to the real love inside of our hearts for each other. When I think about how God sees us, I have such hope for the love we can have for each other.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in our hearts.
