I wrote about wanting to be alone yesterday. I hate to admit it, but I realize that my father was very much like that. He just wanted to do his own thing and be left alone. I really didn’t understand it when I was younger, but now that I am older, I have a new appreciation for him. Although I know that part of life is to share our love with others and to be an example of Christ’s love for each other, I also understand feeling like you just don’t fit in and getting to the point where you just don’t want to try anymore.
I have been thinking about the whole writing thing. While I would like to be successful, I keep feeling like I am being torn in two. Because there’s the part of me that wants to do what I know I have to do to be successful and then there’s this other part of me that is screaming inside of my head saying what everyone else thinks doesn’t really matter, do this staying true to yourself, succeed or fail at least you won’t compromise who you are. I feel like it is a balancing act trying to figure out where I stand.
The weirdest part is that I am playing that same balancing act in my own life. It why I have anxiety and OCD. For the longest time, everything about my life was controlled by someone else. I was an emotional and mental prisoner. Whenever I start to feel like someone is trying to put me back in that prison, I start to melt down. I start brushing my teeth obsessively. I have panic attacks. I start having migraine headaches and depressive episodes. I am learning the difficult lesson about what I can and can’t control in my life and I pray every day for God to give me the wisdom to know the difference. I just want to have the peace to never go back there again. Nothing scares me more than being put into a prison again. I wish I knew how to deal with that trauma. I pray for God’s guidance.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
