I have been having a bad allergic reaction the last few days and it is making me anxious. I was talking to my husband about my mother when I suddenly became very upset. I had one of those moments where I had a panic attack and it just felt like the world was spinning out of control.
I started to realize something about myself. I really start to freak out whenever it feels like I don’t have control over my own life. I hate doctor’s waiting rooms because it feels like I have to keep waiting there until someone tells me that the doctor is ready to see me. I hate airplanes because I am stuck in that airplane until I am allowed to leave. And I hate dealing with my family because they treat me like I don’t matter as a person. They try to control everything, and I have let them for the longest time because I didn’t want conflict, but the way I feel now, I just don’t want to have them try to control me anymore.
I am suffering from PTSD. I know I am. Every time something like this comes up, its like all those feelings of anxiety, fear, and anger just come rushing back. I feel like I can’t breathe and like someone is trying to hold me down. All I want to do is yell at the top of my lungs “NO!”. I don’t want anything from anyone. I just want to be left alone. Why does it seem like I am asking for so much? I pray for God to give me some peace tonight.
There are so many people in the world who want to connect with other people and who want to spend time with their families. I’m not like all the rest of those people. My mother brainwashed me into thinking everyone was harmful and going to hurt me. There are only a few people I know I can really trust. My brother and mother hate me. I just want to be left alone.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
