I started writing for many reasons, but I think one of them was to find my own voice. I didn’t realize it at the time, but for the longest time whenever I felt like my family was trying to squelch who I was, dismiss my feelings, or simply ignore me as a individual, I would turn to writing.
When I look back at what I would write, it was just raw emotional writing that really didn’t have an audience, except for me or a purpose, except to express my own feelings that I really didn’t know how to express any other way. I often felt like no matter what I said or did, no one would listen or even care.
Now that I am older and I have grown in faith, I want to have my own voice. I don’t really need anyone to hear me or care. That’s not the point. I want to have my own voice because I am a person. I exist. That’s something important to me. Some people may not understand because they always felt that way. No one ever make them feel less than. However, I know that there are lots of people in the world who know exactly what it feels like to be treated like they are less than.
To stand up and say you are a person, and you exist takes courage and strength. To find that voice inside and express who you are is one of the most difficult tasks in the world after someone breaks your spirit.
I submitted a piece of writing to a critique group that had already been fairly well edited and yet they tore it up anyway. It feels like the gaslighting of my childhood. Who do I believe? My mentors, the published writers, who helped me so much so far or these writers in the group? I can’t understand why anyone who want to make me feel good about my writing when it is bad or make me feel bad about my writing when it is good. Neither one makes sense. Maybe it isn’t about me at all.
I pray for God to give me some guidance. I really don’t know what to do. I just want to stay true to myself and my voice.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
