There’s a weird thing about pain. I found that I can get used to it and that’s a bad thing. For the last few weeks, I have had a pain in my right temple. It has been just a dull ache that seems barely there. The pain almost feels like a familiar annoying friend that just doesn’t know that its time to go home after the party is over. Then, this morning that pain got worse. The problem was that I was so used to the pain, I just didn’t pay any attention to it. That was the case, until I started making mistake in my work. I found that I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t relax. Something was really disturbing me, but I didn’t recognize that I was in pain.
When I was younger, I was living with my parents who were very unpredictable. My father was an alcoholic and my mother was very unstable. I never knew what I was going to get when I interacted with them. I found myself constantly being on alert. I had an exit strategy if one or both of them exploded. I knew exactly what to say or do in almost every situation to make myself small to deflect their anger, sorrow, or just craziness away from me. And still, sometimes, I still didn’t escape from them. I was constantly worried about what was going to happen when I interacted with them. I was on edge when I did see them. And I didn’t even realize it. I had gotten used to being in a constant state of fear and worry. When I finally got away from my parents and found myself in a stable environment, my nervous system was in such a horrible state, I had and still do have severe PTSD. I didn’t recognize the pain that I was in.
I realize these events of my life have something to do with my relationship with God. The commandment to love others as I love myself means that I have to love myself. I can’t live my life denying the pain I am in. Maybe there’s nothing anyone can do about it, but I have to be able to recognize it. When I don’t, it gets so bad that my life falls apart. I think an important part of pain is prayer. Sometimes, there’s nothing anyone can do about pain. Sometimes, no one is going to care about the pain I am in. However, when I am in pain, I can always get on my knees and pray. I can offer that pain up to God and put it in His hands. I know that He may not take it away from me, but I have no doubt that He will never give me more pain than I can handle. I have faith that He will be with me when I pray when I am in pain and He cares.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all our hearts.
