My mom was in a hospital and now she is in a rehab facility. She is trying to control me by trying to get me to come visit her. She calls me up moaning, crying, and wailing. She tells me that the people are ignoring her, not paying any attention to her, and that she is in pain. I have called and I know that the healthcare workers are taking very good care of her. She is just trying to get me to come and see her. She wants to see if she can get me to drop everything and come to her. It is controlling and manipulative.
I’m torn. When I was suffering from panic attacks in college. I often did similar things without realizing it. First, I would get a panic attack. Then, I would get the idea that the only way to stop the panic attack was to self-harm. The next progression was that if I could just get a friend to be with me, then I could keep myself from harming myself. I was so messed up from being literally imprisoned in my own house that I really didn’t understand what I was doing. I had no idea that the intrusive thoughts that just wouldn’t go away were obsessive thoughts. I didn’t know what was happening to me and I didn’t have the support to get the help I needed.
All those excuses don’t matter though. Today, I feel guilty because wanting someone else to save me from the intrusive thoughts and the panic attacks was wrong. Trying to make anyone my savior was wrong. When I fell apart, instead of turning to God, I found myself turning to others, making bad decisions, and hurting everyone. I don’t care that I was sick or injured, I messed up and I should ask God for forgiveness.
I don’t really care what happened to my mom either. She had so many chances to redeem herself and make things right with me, but she never did, and I know she never will. It was how she treated me that has made me feel so scared and claustrophobic when I am in hospitals and medical facilities. She told me that I didn’t love her enough and it is almost like a self-fulling prophecy. I love myself too much to put myself through horrible panic attacks for her.
I can’t change her behavior. I can just try to be as loving as I can be in that toxic relationship as I can be. The best thing I can do is grow from the experience. I don’t want to be a manipulative controlling person like she is. I know that I have strength inside of me because of my faith. I know that I don’t need anyone to save me because I have God. I don’t need to trick anyone into being there for me. I don’t need to cry for a friend to help me so that I won’t be alone. It reminds me of the beatitudes. When I was young, all I care about what survival. When I deal with anxiety, I still need that. But I can strive to love more than I seek love, I can hope to understand more than I want understanding. I can be a person that does for others instead of seeking for other people to be there for me. My dear Lord, please forgive me for the times when I failed in this very important lesson.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
