I have had the worst week I have had in a long time. I had several bad panic attacks. I broke down crying several times. I was exhausted. Every single one of my chronic conditions flared up. The problem was not being able to know the difference between what I could control and what I couldn’t control. I was like someone trying desperately to tread water and sinking because I was just too tired.
Last night, I went to get a massage and as I started to relax, I heard a voice inside of my head telling me that in Buddhist philosophy, they release themselves of all desires. Then, I asked myself why are you holding on so much to responsibility and desires that you don’t even want or care about? I realized just then that I had been brain-washed yet again by my mother. When these situations came up, the training comes in. I felt like I had to do certain things because I promised. I felt like I had to do certain things because no one else would do them and bad outcomes would happen. I felt like I had to do certain things because if I didn’t people would judge me. The promises I made were based on lies and manipulations. All of it was based on lies and manipulations. If I wash my hands of this situation, the world isn’t going to fall apart. If I am judge, who cares? The people who would judge me already believe all my mom’s lies about me anyway. So, the voice inside my head was right, why am I holding on to all of it? It is making me physically sick, and it really doesn’t matter.
When I think about how this situation fits in with God, I realize that He doesn’t want me to live my life based on lies. I should be living my life based in faith. When I try to let the lies control me, I try to control things beyond my control, and I fall into the vicious cycle of lies and manipulation. I can’t do that, and I won’t do that anymore. I made a promise that the only thing that could have any power in my life is God. So, I ask for His guidance to lead me out of this darkness now.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
