I am seeing my mother and my aunt traveling further and further into old age. The part that disturbs me the most is that as the body deteriorates so does the mind. I know it seems crazy for me that seems like the scariest and hardest part of it. I really don’t know what will happen to me as I get older, but I don’t think or at least I can’t conceive of my mind changing very much. I feel like my internal dialogue hasn’t really changed much since I could conceive of the internal dialogue when I was three. That voice inside of my head has been very much the same. Maybe it is like weight loss. When I lost weight, I didn’t notice it because I am always with myself. I still sometimes feel like my body is the same size it always was, but most of the time, I do notice a difference. Maybe since I am the only one who hears that voice inside my head and maybe because I hear it all the time, I just don’t notice any change in it.
I often wonder if anyone else hears the same type of voice that I do. I know everyone has an internal dialogue. I see people in TV, movies, etc. making reference all the time, but I wonder about the type of voice. I wonder if everyone has a constant voice the way I do. When I don’t hear myself talking, I almost feel lonely. I can’t imagine not having that especially when I grow old. I feel like that part of myself is the part that helps me to survive. It is the part of me that holds the spirit and is closest to God. That’s the part of me that will go on after my body has stopped working. I just hate the thought of losing it too soon. I pray that God grant me mercy.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
