I was reading this book where the author was talking about moments where everything in life changes after that moment. I have had several of those in my life some of them have been good and some of them bad, but when they occur, I know that nothing will be the same ever again.
The strangest thing is that most of the time these moments are huge events. My wedding day is a blur in my mind, but the first time I ever laid eyes on my husband is as clear as if it happened yesterday. We met for the first time right in front of a coffee shop. I remember he was smiling. It was a cold February day. He was wearing a beige sweater and blue jeans. Somehow, nothing would ever be the same.
When I made my promise to God to give my life to Him, I was alone in an old Chevy. It was an October evening, and an old Erasure song was playing. The night everything changed with my family, it was over the fall break of college when I was twenty. Thirty years later, I am only now beginning to understand how sick and manipulative my mom was during that time. She isolated me from everyone when I needed them the most and then she played the victim.
Yesterday, another one of those amazing moments happened. At little over two years ago, I decided to stop taking anti-anxiety meds every day. I still have them in case of emergency, but I hardly take them at all. I still have anxiety disorder and have the symptoms. I choose to deal with them by embracing them and feeling them, instead of trying to avoid them. I have had a very scary two years. I didn’t know what would happen if I had a major panic attack. I didn’t know if I could handle it especially if I had one and no one else was around who could help me. Over the past couple of years, I have had some panic attacks, but they haven’t been too bad. I have had to deal with anxiety and my husband has been there to help me. I took this huge leap of faith believing that no matter what happened no matter how bad it got, I would be okay.
Yesterday, the worst happened. I was at a hospital, and I had the worst panic attack I have had in years. I literally felt that if I didn’t get out of the building that I was going to start screaming. When I got to the elevators, I couldn’t wait. I had to run down the stairs. Then I ran to the exit. As soon as I got outside, I tore off my mask, and I started to wail without control. There were people going in and out of the hospital and no one notice me and if they did, no one stopped to help me. I didn’t notice. When I was younger, I used to have panic attacks and think if I just wasn’t alone, I would be okay. Now I know, I just afraid. No one could have helped me then. No one could have helped me yesterday either. I leaned up against the wall near the door and I slide down next to a trash can. I let myself feel all the panic and I just cried. Then, I noticed I was breathing too much. So, I started to concentrate on slowing down my breathing. It took a while, but I got there. I took an anti-anxiety med. I called my husband. I got up and I moved on.
Today, my body feels like I have been in a car wreck. All my muscles were so tense for so long that they are all sore. My body went through a traumatic event, and I feel exhausted from the ordeal. Yet, everything is different. When I was sitting on that concrete next to the trash can, I never felt alone. As my body went through the throws of panic and I cried, I didn’t have a single moment of doubt that I was going to be alright. As I started to hyperventilate, I felt confident that I would be able to get though the panic attack on my own with God’s help.
For years, I’ve been writing that I have no reason to be afraid even when I have anxiety. I have been faithful that when the time came, God would see me through the difficult panic attack when it came. At the same time, I didn’t know if it was true. Then, yesterday came and today everything is different.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
