What happens when my mom has surgery in the hospital that triggers my panic attacks? I have a massive panic attack where I run out of the hospital. When I got to the exit, I stopped. Then, I just stood there and wailed. I slid down the wall crying and shaking, feeling like the world was falling apart.
I know that I could have been worried about what all the people entering and exiting the hospital were thinking, but I didn’t. Strangely, no one seemed to care or notice me. For a few minutes, I just let the feeling wash over me. After a little while, I realized that I was close to hyperventilating, so I started to concentrate on my breathing. I didn’t care about anything else. Nothing mattered, except my breathing. I told myself to just breathe. My hands were shaking, and I got out my purse and took my emergency anti-anxiety med. Then, I called my husband and let him know what was going on.
After that, I just sat and thought about breathing. Everything hurt. Even taking a breath felt like it took an effort, but I knew that if I could just breath, then I would be okay. So, I did. I sat in the entrance to a hospital next to a parking garage with people traveling back and forth. I looked at the stopwatch on my cell phone and I tried to breath fifteen times a minute. I didn’t think about the past or the future. I didn’t even care about the present. The only thing that made any difference at that moment was breathing. I slowed down my breathing. My husband showed up and I went home.
I can’t stop panic attacks from happening. I never could. They aren’t something I have much control over and whenever I tried to control them, my life spiraled out of control. When they happen, living in that moment, embracing it, being there and no where else is the answer I have found. I can’t avoid it, I can’t deny it, I can’t go around it. I have to go through it. The difference between this panic attack and all the rest of them today was I knew that no matter what happened, I was going to be okay. I knew it wouldn’t last forever and that God was with me. That’s why I write every night that my faith saved me. I wouldn’t know how to live with panic attacks if I didn’t have God on my side.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
