I got a call from my mother today. I wasn’t feeling good so I didn’t answer it and let it go to voicemail. I called her back later and she couldn’t even remember why she had called me. Her being in a rehab facility is tearing me up in the worst way and it feels like it doesn’t even have an effect on the rest of my family.
I was remembering when I was younger, she would cry, and it would just break my heart. I would do almost anything to keep her from crying. Now, I look back and realize that most of the time, it was probably an act, and she was just trying to manipulate the situation and me. The last time I saw her cry, I didn’t feel anything at all. It didn’t make me happy or sad. I thought she was acting. I just let her cry much the way I would let a child having a temper tantrum cry.
I think that’s what tears me up inside. I feel like I am supposed to offer care and understanding to someone who was supposed to care for me and not only did she not care for me, she mentally and emotionally abused me. I want to believe that I am over it, but I know I am not. I still am very messed up from the abuse. I suffer pain and anxiety because of the abuse almost every day. I struggle every day to not be a fearful angry person who uses control, lies, and manipulation just to get by in life. Although I take responsibility for it, I know she “taught” me how to be this way. Now, I am supposed to care for this person and that’s difficult to do.
If God were to ask me to show love and understanding toward President Putin even though he had started the war in Ukraine and might have committed war crimes, I would find it easier because while it offends me, the evil doesn’t really hit home. When God asks me to show love and understanding toward this woman who sees me as less than a person and will never recognize me as a person, it is much more difficult. I don’t know how to do it. All I can do is ask God for guidance.
There is one other aspect to my situation. I saw a TV show today that said there are millions of kids under eighteen who have abusive parents and that many of these kids must act as caregivers for these parents. Somehow these children are able to find a way to be loving and caring towards their abusive parents. It takes a toll, but they do it. I ask Gud to provide all children with parents needing help to give us His guidance.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
