My stomach has been hurting all day. I feel like there’s a knot in my abdomen. When I think about my life the way it is right now, I feel nervous. My hands start to shake, and I feel like crying. I am at a crossroads in my life. I feel like things are going to change in my life and it is really scary. I think I am afraid of failing and taking the wrong path.
With OCD, any change makes me feel sick even good change. When I got married, I couldn’t sleep or eat, until it was all over I couldn’t relax. It is so ironic, the one day that was supposed to be all about me, and I just wanted it to be over and done with as soon as possible because it never felt like it was about me. I just wanted to start my life with my husband.
When we decided to get a house, the entire process was one long year of stress for me. I just hated the whole idea of changing me surroundings. The strangest part is I love the house we found. It was great, but I still got sick with all the change. My body just couldn’t handle the stress.
I’ve been thinking about a certain day in my life today. It was a day that changed everything for me. The day after my 20th birthday. I would never feel more suicidal or hopeless than I did on that day. I would never feel more alone. Today, I realized that the events that took place that day all happened because of a lie that my mother told to manipulate the situation. A simple little lie that has changed the course of my life for the last thirty years.
I have so much trouble with change because I have so many of these days in my life when the people who said they would be there for me just weren’t. When all the illusions around me came shattering down like someone throwing a hammer into a mirror. My mother always tried to reassure my brother and me that no matter what happened we would have family to support us, but in my case that didn’t happen. Family let me down over and over again.
I thought for the longest time that the only thing I could count on was God, but then God brought my husband into my life. My husband taught me what God teaches; I can count on love. When I have faith in love, I will never feel alone and hopeless. There’s always someone there.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
