I was talking to my husband yesterday about playing games at a family game night. His memories are really wonderful. I also have good memories of playing games with my family, but they are tainted. I remember that I had to be very careful. I needed to make sure I didn’t say or do the wrong thing because if I did, then someone could get upset and a fun family night could turn into a night of terror where my parents were screaming and yelling. I wouldn’t really understand what went wrong; I would just know that I did something wrong, and the fun was over.
It’s crazy, but I think that’s why I am so paranoid. When I was a little kid, I was constantly being surprised by how fast things would go wrong. I didn’t understand what was happening because it just didn’t make sense. The older I got; I just gave up trying to understand it. I just started to try to be guarded and careful. Don’t say anything or do anything that was wrong even though I didn’t know what could cause a problem because the rules were constantly changing. I remember my mom telling me that my father, my brother, and her all were great and dealt with life so well and that she couldn’t understand why I couldn’t do it. She used to tell me that all the time. I started to believe it, too. I just wanted to escape to a place where I could just stop having to deal with anyone.
The strangest part was that I was dealing with people who were unpredictable and unbalanced. I felt scared and insecure because no matter what I did, they wouldn’t make any sense. When I finally escaped, it was scary and amazing at the same time. My husband is wonderful because he is balanced, I know how he will act. I don’t have to be afraid that any minute he is going to explode in anger.
I look back and I realize that faith gets people through the most horrendous situations. Even when all is lost, God is always constant. Life will always change. Nothing ever stays the same. Sometimes life is a struggle. However, God is always walking with me. He never leaves me side for a second. I don’t know what is coming next, but I know that whatever happens, I will endure because of my faith. I am never going to be alone.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
