One of the things I hate about OCD is that it sets me up for having PTSD. I can be somewhere, and I literally have a flashback, not just a memory, but feeling like my entire body and mind goes back to a certain moment in time and relives it.
This week, I went to hold one of my dogs and because I was sitting on a recliner and the position that I was holding him, I went back to a day just a little over a year ago when I held my beagle on the day she died. It wasn’t just a memory. I felt like I was sitting on that recliner, and I could feel her frail body in my arms as I prepared to take her to the vet’s for the last time.
Today, it happened again. I was in the grocery store, and I looked up at an endcap. I thought I saw maple cream cookies. It reminded me of my father who had passed away in 2014. Suddenly as I was standing in the grocery store, I felt the sensation of being a small child and having my father’s large, strong arms wrap around me as he hugged me. I remembered he always seemed to smell of motor oil when I was a little girl because he worked in an auto parts store. He arms weren’t soft and pillowy like my mom’s, but they seemed so strong and safe. I didn’t understand how seeing a box of cookies could make it to where I would smell motor oil all over again.
Is it just ghost of the past coming back to haunt me? Could it just be some strange chemical reaction in my brain? Maybe it’s a part of God’s plan. Maybe time really isn’t linear, and it does transcend my simple physical reality. I just know to be thankful for the experience.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.,
