I had a bad day yesterday. I sometimes forget about what my life was like before I got married. For eighteen years, my mother had total control over my life and treated me like a prisoner. I literally couldn’t go anywhere without her knowing about it and what was worse is that she had broken my spirit so much, I didn’t even think about going anywhere by myself.
When I left to go to college, even though I was in the same town, the freedom was such a huge change for me, I develop anxiety that was devastating. Even after I graduated, she still tried to control me. I didn’t realize until I got married how much she restricted my movements and tried to control my life. Then, I got married and she tried to convince me to lie to my husband and answer to her. It took years, but I was able to break away from all the lies and manipulations.
The problem is that I didn’t really get there until I was in my forties. I still have bad days because it takes a long time to unlearn over thirty years of brainwashing, lies, and manipulations. When I still have bad days, I feel so down on myself because I think that I should be better by now. Then, I think of my promise to God. I said I would do anything and everything to get better. I guess part of that means accepting that it is going to a lifelong struggle. Maybe that’s a good thing. If I can accept that I’ve been damaged, but that it’s okay, then it means that I can do that for others. There’s truly is no hopeless case. Anyone can be saved if they want it. I believe that with all my heart. I also know that even the people who don’t want to be saved are still God’s children and I should love them. It’s all part of His plan for me.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
