I remember having an English teacher in my junior year wanting me to come speak to him before school about an opportunity. I was so scared to go. I stood outside in the hallway for at least ten minutes. The OCD feeling of wrongness was so strong that day. Eventually, I just took a deep breath and knocked on the door. He wanted me to participate in a UIL competition. I would read the play Cyrano and then go to competitions testing about it. It was extra work to read the play, but I agreed to do it. I don’t remember ever winning any competitions, but I felt lucky because I was introduced to the play. I enjoyed it so much and still feel like it is one of the best works of literature I have ever read.
I’m not thinking about Cyrano today, but those ten minutes spent worrying out in the school hallway. I just don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel like changing my direction and doing something new takes time. I’ve learned that when I am afraid, I procrastinate. I don’t want to face the anxiety provoking situation. It is very difficult for me to break the cycle. I spend a lot of time in proverbial school hallways dreading the future instead of just walking up and knocking on the door.
I can’t change my pattern overnight, but I have faith that I can change things. Today, I ask for God to have the courage to live in the moment and move forward out of the hallway and to start knocking on doors.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
