Today I am feeling really sick and need to take a break from work. I have always hated taking time off school or work. The reason is when I was young my mom always would question my motives and make me feel like I was some sort of hypochondriac seeking attention. She would tease me saying I loved it when I got sick because that meant I would get attention.
Looking back on it now, she had a very manipulative way of brainwashing me. She didn’t want me to be sick because she didn’t want the inconvenience of taking care of me. She didn’t want to have to take me to the doctor, take of off work, or take care of me. She didn’t want the attention to be on me because she wanted it to be about her. It was strange that when I was feeling bad, she would complain to family about how difficult it was for her to take care of a sick child or how worried she was about me.
When I was older, she totally discounted my being sick at all. I remember having a stomach flu. I was literally vomiting, and she still wanted me to come into work because I was being a baby about it and it wasn’t that bad. She told me was constantly telling me that if I didn’t go to school, I was going to fail. When I started to work, whenever I had to call in sick, she would tell me that I was going to get fired.
Even when I have been very sick, she still makes it about her. I remember going home after being in the hospital and all I wanted to do was sleep and she would get upset with me because I didn’t call her and let her know how I was doing. Even though I was exhausted and feeling bad, she was telling me I was being inconsiderate because I didn’t care enough to call her and give her updates.
The one that still bothers me today is that she calls me when I get a migraine. I have the most difficult time falling asleep when I get migraines, but if I can fall asleep it helps me so much. Yet most of my life, whenever I try to sleep when I have a migraine, she calls and wakes me up to “check on me”. She has to make it about her being a good mother.
On days like today, I wish that I could just relax and know that my work will be waiting for me tomorrow, but instead I have all this baggage on my shoulders from years and years of brainwashing and gaslighting.
I try my best to give it up to God and let it go, but it is so difficult sometimes. In all the TV shows and movies, there’s always some kind of a resolution to these relationships. There’s never going to be one for me. My mother won’t ever see anything she’s done. She’ll never feel sorry for how she’s hurt me. She’ll never even understand that she’s hurt me. I have to live with the fact that she thinks she is a good mother and a martyr. My only consolation is going to be that I got away from her toxicity.
Days like today when I struggle to rise above my past are the ones when I turn to faith. I ask God for strength to forgive the past and for peace of mind to take care of myself without holding on to all the baggage of the past. I ask God to help me love the person who has hurt me more than anyone else and to love myself despite what she did to me. I often wish I could understand why, but I know that answer isn’t going to come. I ask God to give me faith to believe in His plan because this part is difficult and painful. I believe with all my heart and soul He will answer my prayers and that I will get through difficult days like this one.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
