Today, I was thinking about what I would need to do if I encountered an insect in my house and my husband wasn’t around. I considered that if I saw a water bug, then I could just spray it with insect spray. After that, I could vacuum it up. My OCD mind would let me get away with that. My mind kept going. I imagined the bug being up high on a wall near the ceiling. I thought I could just aim the spray up high. I imagined the bug jumping off the wall to get away from the spray, my screaming, and the bug jumping straight into my open mouth.
I started to squirm in my seat thinking of this horrible thought. Not wanting to imagine the way a water bug would feel inside of my mouth. I told my husband about the thoughts going through my mind. He told me that having my OCD brain was a double-edged sword. On one hand, I had nightmarish thought processes like this go through my head all the time, but on the other hand, that same OCD imagination helps me to be a good horror writer.
He was right. I think sometimes in life, I am too quick to judge events or situations as being either good or bad. My having OCD isn’t good or bad; it just is. The factor that makes is good or bad is how I chose to live with it.
I was reading about a Bible story where a man was born blind, and it was insinuated that the man was born blind because of sin that occurred before his birth. I can’t believe that God would punish anyone with blindness or any other disability. People think disabilities are bad because they judge them to be so. I believe that the man was born blind because that’s how God created him perfectly. He may not be able to see like me, but he can do other things I can’t do. We aren’t here to compare ourselves to each other anyway. God didn’t punish me with the brain I have, I have this brain because it fits into His plan.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
