I used to hate the phrase “Fake it until you make it”, but I am starting to realize that the concept works. When I used to have anxiety, it would overwhelm and consume me. I remember it feeling like being stuck in JELLO. It was really difficult to make myself move or take any action because I felt like I was paralyzed with fear. It’s ironic that we are supposed to have a fight or flight response because for me there’s also the deer caught in the headlights response.
The amazing miracle happened when I gave up control to God and took a leap of faith to believe that as long as God was with me, I would be able to endure. I wasn’t cured of anxiety in that moment. I’m still not cured of anxiety. However, I have something to hold on to that helps me take risks and face the world even when I feel scared and anxious. Having faith in God allows me to believe that if I just try, somehow it is going to work out.
I remember hearing someone say bravery isn’t acting because you aren’t fearful; bravery is acting even though you are afraid. God helps me to be brave and face a world that I don’t always understand. I find myself trying to interact with others and not let all the OCD thoughts keep me hidden from the rest of the world.
I recently went to a local writer’s guild meeting, and they asked me to present my unpublished book’s pitch. I stood in front of a group of strangers and shared the story of my first novel with them. Although I was nervous, I did it. I faked being a confident person who didn’t have problems public speaking so that I would be able to gain confidence speaking in front of people about my book. My faith got me through it because no matter what my OCD came up with, I knew God would help me. My worst OCD thought was I was going to get up in front of everyone and when I opened my mouth instead of words coming out I was going to projectile vomit.
The other interesting part of the meeting was hearing other writer’s talking about being afraid to talk about their work or just about anything else. The general sentiment was that most writers are introverts, and it is difficult to get out and talk to other people to market their work. I wanted to get up and shout, “I have OCD and agoraphobia, if I can do it, anyone can.” I didn’t because it just wasn’t the right time. I left the meeting feeling for all the other writers out there who just lack the confidence to share their message. It makes me wish that there was something I could do to help. I am not sure if there’s anything, but if I find the opportunity, I will take it. I just hope God helps me find the right path.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
