Yesterday, I was feeling cold, and I went outside to sit in the sun. I looked up into the blue sky and watched some clouds rolling by. I had on my headphones, and I was listening to some of my favorite music. The first time I heard some of that music was back when I was a teenager or when I was a college student. The music transported me back to that time, and the memories just flooded back into my head.
I kept thinking about how I was totally and completely clueless. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing or what was happening around me. I used to think about that time and know this about myself and feel so bad about myself because it was embarrassing. Yet when I think about it now, I am just amazed that I made it through that time in my life. I know most teens and young adults are immature, but I had been a brain-washed prisoner in my own house, and I am still recovering from it. I don’t know if I will ever understand the implications of all the lies and manipulations that my family used on me. Every day, it feels like I find a new one.
I was lost. The ironic part is that there were all these idiot young adults around me thinking that they had all the answers wanting to “save” me with psychology or Christianity or whatever else, but no one knew the real truth about me, and no one understood that the only person who was capable of saving me was me. When I look back on those memories now, I realize that I was barely hanging on and I was doing the best I could. I feel like no matter how embarrassing and stupid, I got to give myself a break after all the harm that was done to me.
I’ve been doing some thinking about the day that changed everything for my family and me. There’s nothing to change it now, but it wasn’t until today that I realized what really happened. I came home to college, and I told my mom about the abuse that happened to me. Then, I left and went back to school. She stayed at home with my dad and my brother. All this time, I thought she told them to truth with her spin on things, but I realized today she lied and manipulated the situation, just like she has been doing all my life. It’s no wonder they didn’t want to hear my side of the story and they believed that I had hurt her so horribly. She told them so.
I’ve been spending so much time worrying about trying to be a good person and someone that other people would like and love, but I never really understood until today that with most of the people in my life, it has been a uphill battle. No matter what I did, she was lying about me telling friends and family all these horrible things about me. She isolated me from everyone so that I could never find out what she was doing. Now there’s all these people who think all kinds of stuff about me that isn’t true. And the worst part is that I feel abandoned by my family. I feel like a black sheep that no one wants anything to do with. It all makes sense now. She was constantly telling me how important family was and her final unintended injury is that I don’t have family.
The only consolation that I have is knowing that I married someone who has shown me that blood isn’t thicker than water. Blood doesn’t make family; love makes family. Maybe that is why my mother has complained to me that she feels so unloved all her life. I hope to break that cycle. I pray that God helps me to open my heart to everyone I meet and to recognize them as my brother or sister in Christ. Like St. Francis’ prayer, I want so much for God to help me to want to love more than to want to be loved.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace resided in all of our hearts.
