The pandemic started around March 2020. It is now July 2022. I know for many people it feels like life is back to normal or at least they have gotten used to the new normal. However, for me with OCD, nothing ever feels normal. The worst part for me is that I still find myself having problems with everyday things.
I still have a difficult time going into a restaurant or grocery store without a mask. That situation makes my OCD spike. I feel like there’s something wrong. I am still very aware of people getting close to me. I don’t really want people to come close or to touch me. There’s a part of me that is worried about getting infected with the virus. The president announced today that he was infected. For me, there’s a greater reason though. I just don’t want people close to me. That feeling that something is wrong gets worse when someone is too close to me. I feel their energy and it is like unpleasant electric buzzing on the back on my neck and spine.
This week is especially challenging. A movie that I really want to see is being released to theaters. I haven’t gone to a theater in over two and a half years. There’s nothing I can do; I am going to feel a spike of OCD if I go into that theater. I will feel like there’s something very wrong and that I shouldn’t be there. Situations like this keep coming up because of the aftermath of the pandemic, but honestly situations like this come up all the time regardless of the pandemic because of my OCD. Dealing with them requires a leap of faith. I am going to have to put my trust in God and believe that no matter how wrong it feels that feeling is all OCD. I will do whatever it takes and face the anxiety because I promised God that I would put my life in His hands and do whatever it took to get better from my disorders.
Along with going to see a movie, I have been asked to speak in front of a group soon. It is going to be the same anxiety provoking situation. No matter what I do, my OCD thoughts are going to come up with every horrible scenario that my imagination can come up with. I am going to feel scared. Yet, I am not for a second going to let fear keep me from doing anything. It isn’t because I am brave and courageous. I am far from that. It is that crazy, wonderful promise I chose to make with God. I put my life in His hands. I take a leap of faith. He isn’t going to protect me or make sure nothing bad happens. He will be with me through whatever happens and help me endure it though. What more could I ask?
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
