Before the pandemic, I thought I was doing okay as far as reaching out to other people. Then during the worst parts of the pandemic, I came to realize that I had truly insulated myself and really wasn’t reaching out very much at all. I have been trying more and more to get outside of my comfort zone and talk to other people. Sometimes I am amazed at the steps that I have been able to make, but at other times, I understand why I was so afraid.
Recently, I sent out some emails that were totally innocent and yet my meaning wasn’t what I wanted it to be. I think communication is something I have struggled with all my life. I have trouble talking on the phone because it feels like I am missing an important part of communication. When I do talk to someone in person, I have a very soft voice and sometimes the other person has trouble hearing me. Then, I am always afraid of the other person misunderstanding me. Most people don’t worry about it as much as I do. But then again, most people don’t live most of their lives feeling like an alien to the human race like I do either.
Like everything, it is a blessing and a curse. It’s a curse because I have difficulty understanding what comes naturally to most people, but it is also a blessing because I have a unique perspective on the world. I am feeling good about myself today because when the email misunderstandings happened, I didn’t hate myself because of them.
I am finally starting to understand that when things don’t go right, it isn’t the end of the world. I know that for most people that seems like a given, but with OCD it isn’t. With my OCD, when things don’t go right, it always felt like that feeling of wrongness spiked and it would feel like the world was going to end. Sometimes it still does. I just have to remind myself that God is with me as long as He is near, I can get through whatever life has to throw at me.
I also had another OCD thought happen to me today that was pretty horrific. I was working at my desk, and I looked down at my dog. I had this horrible thought about her that is just too terrible to write about. It hurt so much that I had to pick her up and hold her for just a minute to know that she was okay and that I loved her. I guess everyone has horrible thoughts, but I can’t stand mine sometimes. They hurt. I hate having them inside my head. I guess having that imagination will help me be a good horror writer. However, in this case, the only thing that lightens my heart is my faith. I need to believe that I am greater than my thoughts and the chemical reactions in my brain. I have to believe that no matter what happens I can always rely on God’s light in my heart and in my life.
As I go out into this brave new world with OCD and anxiety and I try my best to embrace my brothers and sisters in Christ, I believe that God will be with me and no matter how badly things go, the world will not come to an end, even when OCD makes it feel that way. And even if my world should one day come to an end, I will not be afraid, even if I feel fear because God is with me always.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
