I reached out to someone for help with my writing and in response she asked me to call her so we could talk. For most people, it is simple. Talking on the phone is easy. For me, talking on the phone is scary.
I haven’t given it much thought, but I guess that’s why I write this blog. It’s weird, but I want to compare it to taking a shower in a strange place. When the woman at the Bates hotel was taking a shower and she turned around, she saw her attacker. If I was that woman, I would just see a blob coming at me. I hate taking showers in strange places because it is so scary to be in a place when I am essentially blind without my glasses. I don’t know if there are any insects crawling around in the shower. I can’t see the faucets to control the water. When I finish it is difficult to find a towel and it is even difficult to find my glasses again. I love being in my own bathroom because after several years, I have memorized what it looks and feels like. I am comfortable with it. I could close my eyes completely and still be able to find my way around that bathroom without falling down.
Talking on the phone is like talking in a strange place because I don’t get to see the other person’s face. I can’t read their body language at all. I don’t know if I am talking too loud or too soft. I don’t know if I am saying something offensive or not. The only clues I have are the person’s pitch and tone in their voice and the words that they are saying. It is very disconcerting to me because I have a difficult time with that. I can’t hear pitch and tone well.
It’s like going into a strange place with my eyes closed and trying to feel my way through it. I’m scared that I will fall. It’s easy to say just go ahead and walk through it; there’s nothing to fear but taking those steps can be very difficult.
When I was in college, we did an exercise to help us to understand blindness better. We had partners and took turns leading each other blindfolded. It helped us to understand how to treat a disabled person when we encountered them and how to be respectful toward them. When it was my turn to be blindfolded, we had to go down a few steps. I knew where the steps were and I also knew the steps weren’t that big, but I was so scared to go down them. When I was standing at the first step about to go down, it felt like the space to the next step was ten feet. I knew it wasn’t, but it felt like it. I don’t know why. It was so difficult to take those steps blindfolded.
I say all the time that all I have to do is take a leap of faith. What I don’t talk about is how scary it is to take those leaps. It’s terrifying. Just like it was to take those steps blindfolded. Just like it is to for me to talk on the phone. There are so many things I do that really scare me, but I do them anyway. Having faith doesn’t take away the fear and it doesn’t automatically give me courage. Having faith is making the choice to proceed despite the fear. It is taking those steps even if you think you are going to fall. It is believing in God even when there’s no reason to believe. It isn’t something that I am; it is something that I choose.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
