Today I was noticing that one of our older dogs, the beagle mix, is losing weight even though she is eating well. It most likely means that she has some illness that will cause her to pass away in the near future. I have been preparing myself for this possibility and I hope that I will be able to weather it well.
Last year, one of our other dogs passed away and I am still dealing with the loss. I feel guilty because when this beagle mix passed away, I don’t think the loss will be as difficult to take. I couldn’t understand why at first. My husband thought it could be that the first dog that passed away was our first dog together and she was very loving. She wanted us to hold her and cuddle with us often. This beagle mix is a rescue, and she has always been a challenge to love. She wanted us to give her time and space.
I don’t think that’s the reason for the difference. About two years ago, the beagle mix got sick with a liver infection. The vet told us he could give us medication to make her comfortable, but that she was going to pass away within a week. My husband and I prepared to let her go and then miraculously she got better. I believe that I let my beagle mix go just a little bit in my heart then and now it just won’t be as difficult because I already started to go through the process of grieving with her.
I think it is the same way with my parents. My father was never a very loving and affectionate person. We never really had heart to heart conversations; it just wasn’t his way. However, there were all kinds of other little things that made him a loving special human being. When he died, I found myself missing him. Even today eight years later, I find little moments that remind me of my father, and I remember the person he was. My mom, on the other hand, has smothered me with affection and won’t leave me alone, even when I desperately needed it. She has been telling me for the last twenty-three years that she is ready to die and wants to go. I don’t think anyone could prepare to mourn a person for over twenty years and still have enough feelings left over to really feel much loss when the person actually dies. I’m sure that I will feel loss and I will miss her, but it’s not going to be the same.
When I think about the lesson this situation teaches, I think it teaches the lesson about living in the moment. When death comes, the sorrow felt is loss because of the love that I felt when the person was alive. It all goes together. If I didn’t love when they were alive, then I would feel a loss when they died. It would be silly for me to take the time I had with my loved ones when they were alive and stew in the sorrow knowing that I was going to lose them. I need to embrace the gift that God has given me of the time I have on this earth with the people I love. I need to enjoy that love I have with them while they are here with me and yes, I know the sorrow will come, but there’s no reason to wallow in it. For God has blessed me with love. And when that time of loss does come, I realize that I should embrace the loss and feel that sorrow and know that God has blessed me for I wouldn’t be feeling loss if I had not felt love. In other words, I need to try to take each moment as it comes and be grateful for every single moment of my stupid little life.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
