Last night, I was watching a documentary about ritual. One of the topics was the ritual of blood sport. I saw all these images of people in sporting arenas yelling for their fighter and showing excitement and emotion. Once again, as I saw these images, I felt like I was an alien being watching some strange foreign ritual that I would never have any chance of understanding. I’ve been to different games, and I have even gotten excited, but not enough to cheer or yell like everyone else does.
There’s this weird thing about a mob mentality that I’m missing. I guess you sort of lose a little part of yourself to the group and I just don’t feel like I could do that. There’s a part of me that feels alright losing myself in the spirit of a higher power, but even that is difficult. With my OCD brain, the idea of losing myself, letting go of control of the one thing I have control of is quite scary.
I wonder why more people don’t have a problem with it and don’t feel alien to it. The other part I think I am missing is with mob mentality I would have to feel a part of the group. Usually when everyone is going one way, I feel like going the other. The more everyone is screaming out of bloodlust, the more I just want to be quiet and observe.
These situations always make me wonder about myself. Maybe there’s really is something alien about me. It could be that I do fall somewhere on the autism spectrum, and I don’t connect because I sense things differently that most people. It could be with OCD, I just don’t connect the same as most. There’s all kinds of reasons. Yet, as I have been learning, just because I don’t feel the same connection that everyone else does, it doesn’t mean there’s not a connection.
If anything, I know that there’s the light of God within each of us. I have faith because I believe I feel God in my heart and soul, but even if I didn’t, I would still believe because it’s a choice I make that goes beyond reason. I also choice to try to see the light of God in others and love them as my brothers and sisters in Christ. I may not always feel this deep connection to them, but faith teaches me that I don’t have to have proof that the connection exists. I just need to believe that it does. After all, I shape my own reality.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
