I had to face a challenge today. I went to see a new neurologist today. With my OCD anything that changes it is difficult because I can’t rely on familiarity to let me know that everything is going to be okay when I start to feel that OCD sense of wrongness.
The worst part for me was getting there early and sitting in my car waiting for the office to open. I got this obsessed thought about a carjacking. I could literally see the whole thing playing out in my mind. I could see someone coming up to my car with a gun and forcing me to get out my car. My mind went over different scenarios like driving away and being shot at when I did or getting out of my car and having it stolen. Every possibility went through my mind. I started to watch all the mirrors of the car to make sure no one was going to come up to my car and surprise me. I didn’t feel safe until more cars came into the parking lot.
Then, when I finally got into the doctor’s office, I got other thoughts. I started worrying about being there forever and feeling anxious about meeting a new doctor. My mind kept having all kinds of nightmare scenarios going through my mind’s eye as I sat in the waiting room.
This time was a little different than it has been in the past though. When I have been in other waiting rooms, I never really understood why I was so anxious. Now that I realize that I was in an emotional and mental prison most of my childhood and young adulthood, I understand that any situation where I feel trapped or imprisoned makes me feel anxious. Just understanding that concept makes dealing with those situations easier. It is still a challenge, but at least I know why I feel so anxious.
One of the worse parts of having panic attacks when I was younger is that I was supposed to have a trigger for them, but I never could identify what it was. Sometimes, I can figure out what causes the panic attacks, and it helps, but sometimes I still can’t. Sometimes the obsessive thoughts give me a clue. I don’t know if I will ever be able to always tell what causes the anxiety, but I know that the older I get and the more I put my faith in God to be with me, I am finding my way through the anxiety. It is amazing, ironic, beautiful, and strange all at the same time. Before, I was trying to stop the anxiety as soon as it started it. I would take medication. I would try to calm down. I would avoid it at all costs. I was getting by. Now, I am not taking the medication. I am experiencing the anxiety and telling myself it is just part of life. It doesn’t feel great, but it isn’t as bad as I thought it would either. I think it is starting to get easier. I hope it is getting easier. I pray it is.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
