I want to be able to say that today was a wonderful day, and everything is going to great. However, the truth is that I am feeling extremely tired, and I have a really bad headache. With most people the answer would be simple. Go lie down and get some rest. My problem is that I have OCD brain and insomnia. I don’t have the type of insomnia that wakes me up in the middle of the night and then I can’t go back to sleep again. I have the type of insomnia where I have trouble falling asleep. When I get a migraine headache, I know that if I could just fall asleep, it would make me feel better, but I also know that falling asleep is one of the most difficult things for me to do. If it isn’t my normal time to fall asleep, it is almost impossible for me to fall asleep, no matter how tired I am.
The absolute worst part is sometimes when I am exhausted, like today, I find myself falling asleep, but the littlest thing can jerk me wide awake again. I was starting to fall asleep this afternoon and then a call made my phone go off and I woke up and I couldn’t even think of going back to sleep again.
I feel irritated and jumpy. It feels like there’s a vice on my head and every sensory input is like nails on a chalkboard. I don’t want to hear, see, and feel anything. I just want to be left alone. Unfortunately, no one seems to understand that. It is one of those days that I wish I could just make the entire world go away. Every time I have tried to lie down for the last few days, all I can concentrate on is my heart beating so fast that it feels like it is going to burst out of my chest. I can’t help wonder how the hell am I supposed to sleep when my heart is beating so fast?
I am feeling alone in my troubles and yet I feel like I want to be left alone, but I am constantly being bombarded by sensory inputs. It feels like the classic Catch-22 of being damned if I do and damn if I don’t. I don’t have any answers either. I wish I did. The only thing I can do on days that suck like today are pray and ask God to help me to have patience and ask God to help me remember that I am not alone because He is always with me. So, tonight I pray and I am going to take it one hour or even one minute at a time, but I have faith God will see me through to tomorrow.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
