When I was a teenager, I had a waterbug crawl on me during my sleep. It kept waking me up and I kept pushing it off my face half-asleep for hours. Finally, I woke up and discovered what was going on. I freaked out. I am very scared of bugs and the idea of one crawling all over my face sent me into panic for hours. I was crying and not able to sit still for the rest of the night. That was over thirty years ago and even today it is difficult for me to write about it and it makes my skin crawl to even think about it.
Last night as I was sitting in bed watching TV with my husband, I felt a weird feeling on the side of my face and then my chest. I moved around a little and there was a bug that had somehow jump on me and was now in the sheets. My husband quickly disposed of it. I really appreciate it immensely. However, I had to sleep with a cap on my head last night because I didn’t want to feel my hair. I was afraid that if I felt it touching my face during the night, it would scare me.
There’re two things about this situation that are difficult. First, insects are attracted to me. I don’t know why. They just are. If I walk through a field, the grasshoppers jump towards me instead of away from me. It is probably why I am so freaked out by bugs. The second thing is my OCD. If someone has an interaction with a bug, it happens and then they forget it. That doesn’t happen with me. There are several incidents with bugs and creepy crawlies that are ingrained in my memory because once they happen, I ruminate and obsess on them. I try so hard no to think about it and thanks to OCD, I can’t help but think about it. That’s why I don’t like writing about it; when I do, every little detail and sensation comes back to me like it just happened.
Maybe there’s a reason. I don’t know and I really don’t think I will ever know. I just know that there’s hope. When I was a teenager, I couldn’t sleep. I sat for hours crying and feeling lost. Last night was horrible and terrifying, but I did find a way to sleep.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
