I was feeling a little depressed knowing that I have my own narcissistic tendencies. There are times in my life when I haven’t been very proud of myself at all and then there have been other times when I felt like I was making strides to becoming a better person. As I was sitting here thinking about that, I suddenly had this question: If God can see me at all the times of my life, is it possible for me to see myself that way?
I know I can’t see my future self, but maybe there’s a way to see myself better. There’s all these little moments in my head of times when I just feel like I failed or let myself down or made a fool of myself. When I think back to the moments, I tend to feel bad about it. There’s a therapy technique called EDMR that can help with looking back at past memories and remove some of the past emotion. I have done this with some of my memories and it helps, but I’m not sure if it is what I want.
I’ve noticed more and more people are being diagnosed with mental illness and being put on medication. The medication removes the emotional highs and lows. I’m not sure that is such a good thing. I can’t say what’s good for other people, but I want to experience life the way it is. It’s a roller coaster and it’s not as much fun if I take a med and it removes all the highs and lows out. I’m not sure if I want to take all the emotion out of my memories. Maybe I am holding on to it for a reason. Maybe I need to know how I felt back then. If anything, maybe I will want to write about it and I will want to remember how it felt.
I just don’t want to feel bad about the times I screw up or acted dumb and immature. I don’t want to feel bad about all the times that I acted totally irrational due to my OCD. So, I was thinking that if I looked at myself the way God does, then maybe I could find a better way to love myself. I don’t want to look at myself for just a moment in time. There’s plenty of moments when I fail, but if I look at myself in total, then I’m make a somewhat decent human being. I make someone who wants good out of the world and believes in love. I am someone who is constantly trying to be a better human being, even if I fail a lot. I am a person of faith, who has been writing about faith for over five years every single day because I believe that God has a plan for me. I may not change the world. There’s never going to be a single moment in time in my life that is going to be a defining moment, but my life taken as a series of millions of moments can be meaningful and miraculous.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
