I was raised by a narcissist. I try not to think that the world revolves around me and when I see tendencies of a narcissist within me, I try to change them and break the cycle. Yesterday, I finally realized that in the past when people have hurt me, it really wasn’t about me as much as it was about them.
Well, today, I had another epiphany. I had someone reach out and want to talk to me. My very first thought was to be defensive and wonder what that person wanted from me. It really isn’t my fault. For years, I was brain-washed into thinking that I was a horrible person and the only reason anyone would have anything to do me is so that they could take advantage of me or get something out of me. It serves me well in my adulthood because I am a very skeptical person and not easily conned. However, when someone has good intentions, I just don’t see it because I think it is all about me. It never occurred to me that someone might just be reaching out to me because of their own needs for love or companionship or fellowship.
It’s hard to believe that I could be someone that could be there for someone else. Intellectually, I should know all of this because it is perfectly reasonable, but I realize that somehow, I have been brainwashed. It is like peeling back the layers of an onion every time I think I have gotten it, there’s another layer to peel back. I am just going to have to keep trying to become that person that I know God believes I can be.
Sometimes, I really do feel like for every step forward I take, I am taking two steps back, but I feel like I should keep trying. I know that the person I am today is better than the person I was yesterday. That’s enough for me.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
