Yesterday I read something that a friend had written, and it reminded me of a time in my life when I wasn’t suicidal, but I didn’t feel like living. I used to pray to God and tell Him that it felt like everything I did was wrong, that I made everyone around me miserable, and that I didn’t think I should be around anymore. I asked if He could just let it be over, but He never did.
There are times when I look back and I wonder how I ever made it through those times. I wish I could say that there was this magic solution or life hack. I wish I could say a doctor or medication helped me. However, the truth is much simpler. It was faith.
Every time I prayed asking God to let me die. I really meant it, but at the end of those prayers, I also said that I wanted His will to be done. I prayed that way because no matter how bad I was feeling, I always believed and still do that God and only God knows the date of my birth and the date of my death. I have no right to believe that I know better than God when my life should end. I believe that God has a plan for me and whatever that plan is I have faith in it. So, even if it means that I will suffer every day for the next fifty years until the day that I die, then I will gladly do it and I will be thankful for it because I believe in His plan for me. I will admit that there will be a lot of bitching, crying, and complaining. I will not go silently through those fifty years, but I will go through them because I know God will be with me and He will never abandon me.
In the daily prayer, Our Father, it says “Thy will be done.” For me, that’s important. It means that I give my life to God and I have faith in His plan. I think it also means that I am saying that this world is uncontrollable, and I can’t do anything about it. So, let life happen, let me experience that gift, and let God hold me up whenever life drags me down. I have faith He always will.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
